Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
the art of loving
"There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly as love." - Eric Fromm
It is really quite phenomenal that love is so commonly identified or labeled as just some vague sensation or quasi-unknown/graspable feeling that can just magically appear or degenerate just as swiftly.
"I am sooooo in love with you!" "Um, I just don't feel it anymore..."
The modern state of love seems to be rooted in that which most western lives are - passivity.
People passively sit by as elections are out right stolen, people passively watch the television for hours or passively "stalk" on facebook, people passively give up the ownership and responsibility of their own actions or emotions with "You make me angry!" and "You hurt me!" etc... and so it would just make sense that most people are passive participants to that which they call love. "I am totally falling in love with him!" As if love is an accident for which we know no other name...
What can we possibly be expecting when we place the same mindless value on love as we do as getting into a slight fender bender on the 101? "It doesn't seem like there was any damage..."
No wonder the majority of our country find themselves in a state of divorce or constant and consistent failure in relationships. How can we be so carelessly engaged in what (perhaps arguably?) is the most important aspect of our lives? Would we choose to engage in our career choices with the same kind of nonchalant behavior and attitude? Oh, I just fell into this job, and well, maybe one day I'll fall out, whatever is whatever (not to say that that never happens...) but, would that really be the most intelligent way most of us would choose to set ourselves up?
Can any of us articulate what this allusive love even is?
When most of us have dated for years, and are quick to get down with the sensual and sexual, what part of this "love" has anything to do with actual love? Touch is so powerful. We recognize its ability to harness intimacy but we don't ever think (at least not while in a relationship) of its power to create illusory feelings of intimacy. You get together, the chemistry is off the hook, the sex is mind blowing, all of a sudden you are saying your vows of love and then 3 months later - snap - what happens? "Uhh, this just isn't what I had in mind," or " I just see that we are too different." Whatever it is that you wish to place here - You were ignoring that touch was creating a bond with someone you maybe shouldn't have been bonding with. (Or, you could say that the sex was worth it, hence, whatever- all is fair, but my point is about love. Not the sex.) It seems to me that from all my personal experience and that of many friends is that this "vague feeling of I'm soooo in love" is rooted in this passive acceptance of love, or of what love possibly is.
As if love is not an action.
But - love. is. an. action.
Love. is. a. choice.
Care, Responsibility, Respect, and Knowledge. None of these qualities are trite or by rote. They require thought, diligence, nurturing. They have to be articualted. They have to be worked on, developed. Because they are chosen.
All of this sounds about as sexy as that moment when you both realize you have to stop to go find a condom. Shit.
We get involved with someone and at least in my circle it tends to be - go out to a bar, hook up, suddenly spend a lot of time with each other, and either it ends, or you move in with each other... and then it ends. On to the next, chalk it up to practice, another notch on the belt. But what has it really done? Maybe things end well, and now you have just another friend who you once had sex with. Maybe that was worth it all. But maybe things get ugly, and one is angry and hurt, and the other is bitter and resentful. People put more walls up, they have even more blocks than they did from their last 50 odd partners in regards to trusting. How messed up can someone get in the game of "love?" For something that is essential to our lives and our well beings, how in the hell can we choose to be passive about it?
It is really quite phenomenal that love is so commonly identified or labeled as just some vague sensation or quasi-unknown/graspable feeling that can just magically appear or degenerate just as swiftly.
"I am sooooo in love with you!" "Um, I just don't feel it anymore..."
The modern state of love seems to be rooted in that which most western lives are - passivity.
People passively sit by as elections are out right stolen, people passively watch the television for hours or passively "stalk" on facebook, people passively give up the ownership and responsibility of their own actions or emotions with "You make me angry!" and "You hurt me!" etc... and so it would just make sense that most people are passive participants to that which they call love. "I am totally falling in love with him!" As if love is an accident for which we know no other name...
What can we possibly be expecting when we place the same mindless value on love as we do as getting into a slight fender bender on the 101? "It doesn't seem like there was any damage..."
No wonder the majority of our country find themselves in a state of divorce or constant and consistent failure in relationships. How can we be so carelessly engaged in what (perhaps arguably?) is the most important aspect of our lives? Would we choose to engage in our career choices with the same kind of nonchalant behavior and attitude? Oh, I just fell into this job, and well, maybe one day I'll fall out, whatever is whatever (not to say that that never happens...) but, would that really be the most intelligent way most of us would choose to set ourselves up?
Can any of us articulate what this allusive love even is?
When most of us have dated for years, and are quick to get down with the sensual and sexual, what part of this "love" has anything to do with actual love? Touch is so powerful. We recognize its ability to harness intimacy but we don't ever think (at least not while in a relationship) of its power to create illusory feelings of intimacy. You get together, the chemistry is off the hook, the sex is mind blowing, all of a sudden you are saying your vows of love and then 3 months later - snap - what happens? "Uhh, this just isn't what I had in mind," or " I just see that we are too different." Whatever it is that you wish to place here - You were ignoring that touch was creating a bond with someone you maybe shouldn't have been bonding with. (Or, you could say that the sex was worth it, hence, whatever- all is fair, but my point is about love. Not the sex.) It seems to me that from all my personal experience and that of many friends is that this "vague feeling of I'm soooo in love" is rooted in this passive acceptance of love, or of what love possibly is.
As if love is not an action.
But - love. is. an. action.
Love. is. a. choice.
If I were to answer "What is love?" with, "Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating one an other's goodness," would my friends laugh at me? If I were to proclaim that love is lasting when it is built on a full and deep appreciation of who someone besides you is, would that sound very hot, immediate, or romantic?
Probably not so much.
But this is love. This appreciation, this goodness, comes from giving. You can't be a lover if you aren't a giver. Right, I mean, hello! Been with someone who sucked in bed? I will guess that they weren't much of a giver (at least to you...) Unfortunately, most of the "dating" world is all about getting. What am I going to get out of this? Expensive dates, some hot tail, change of pace, relief from loneliness, boredom...? I mean, who can really say that their experience at large dating in the modern urban environment is one of "Oh, please, let me give to you, I want to give to you!"
I look to my parents when I try to place giving in the framework of love. I have never given what my parents have given, I do not even barely remotely know yet (if ever) that frame of existence - to give on par or beyond the needs of yourself to another. This is why they say a parents love for a child is greater than any other type of live- probably (and hopefully - there are abusive parents out there) it would be because who else has ever given so much? I know plenty of people who give completely to their children - and beyond that. I know off hand at least a few friends who have actually said they know that their mothers not only gave to them, but sacrificed for them. Again, not that any child even asked for that. It just is. This giving. This love.
If true giving is other oriented, what are the elements that giving is composed of?Care, Responsibility, Respect, and Knowledge. None of these qualities are trite or by rote. They require thought, diligence, nurturing. They have to be articualted. They have to be worked on, developed. Because they are chosen.
All of this sounds about as sexy as that moment when you both realize you have to stop to go find a condom. Shit.
We get involved with someone and at least in my circle it tends to be - go out to a bar, hook up, suddenly spend a lot of time with each other, and either it ends, or you move in with each other... and then it ends. On to the next, chalk it up to practice, another notch on the belt. But what has it really done? Maybe things end well, and now you have just another friend who you once had sex with. Maybe that was worth it all. But maybe things get ugly, and one is angry and hurt, and the other is bitter and resentful. People put more walls up, they have even more blocks than they did from their last 50 odd partners in regards to trusting. How messed up can someone get in the game of "love?" For something that is essential to our lives and our well beings, how in the hell can we choose to be passive about it?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
where i am at
I am at an internet cafe in Tel Aviv on Ben Yehuda street. I am one block away from the Mediterranean Sea, where I have spent a good amount of time swimming and burning my skin. I rest well knowing that in two days my backside will no longer be a painful red, but a gorgeous brown hue to compliment my white summer skirts.
I have had the most incredible, exciting, amazing, mind opening expanding, soul beautifying time in Israel. I am halfway done with my trip and I have already grown and accomplished much out here.
My first weekend I spent in Tsfat, which was really great because I was only there for about half a day last year. They say the energy in Tsfat is different, and you can feel that once you get there. You breathe differently, your dreams become visions...Tsfat is the home of the mystic Kabballah, and it is said that the Messiah will come from these stairs (I will upload photos when I return to the U.S.) and head to Jerusalem.
I had this experience in Tsfat, which I will try to give some preface to. When I was in high school, my best friends brother died. I grew up with him as though he was the brother I never had and always wanted. He was younger than us; he would have started high school the following year. I remember being so fucking confused at his funeral - The moment he was buried into the earth, a gust of wind blew a leaf right in front of me and I thought - There is no God.
The years went by, and instead of ever becoming religious, I became religiously atheist. I searched for books, lectures, science, anything I could get my hands onto to validate my choices. I became self-righteous in my rightness and knew to myself that those who believed were really just scared of their own mortality, or that they were merely pawns to governments and organizations. Religions validated oppression and were used to kill, murder, act as agents for greed and narcissism. I saw religion as an addiction - judge the man who needed it in order to suppress his alcoholism or drug addiction because he couldn't control it on his own. He was too weak...I never dated another Jew and I found myself attracting and being attracted to other atheists, some agnostics...We are always mirrored in the people we choose to surround ourselves with. I left home and ceased communication with any of my childhood friends. I didn't light the candles on Shabbat, I didn't want to get married, and I certainly never thought of raising Jewish children. When I was younger I had started to follow my curiosity to studying Eastern philosophies and religions which eventually led to beginning my yoga practice of years, which led to studying Ayurveda. Now, this was an interesting pass. Here I am, searching all over the place instead of ever looking inside and questioning inwards. There are some interesting theories for why so many Jews are attracted to Eastern religions, and most of them point to one idea - That these religions don't really face the question that Judaism poses - God? Israel means "to struggle with God," and the name of God in Hebrew translates to "is, was, and always will be." This is the same OM. The difference is some religions seek this Oneness through separation (chastity, meditation, seeking to elevate beyond this realm) while Judaism seeks to connect within - Sha-lom- bringing the spiritual into the physical, bringing the oneness within. Judaism is the only major religion without a monastic sect for example, because pleasure is a vital purpose in this life.
About two years ago my interest in Judaism started up again, albeit very slowly. I went to Israel with Birthright, I started to go to some events in Los Angeles, and this past year I even started to date Jews and threw a Shabbat dinner at my studio. I felt that something was lacking within me, I had some major blocks to realizing my full potential as a person. Your Hebrew name is supposed to be your essence, and my name is Simcha, Joy. Here I was living a life filled with confusion, anger, depression. Why was I blocking the true Joy of my nature, who I am? Coming back to Israel I felt at home, because it is my home. Suddenly everything started clicking and falling into place. Grounded, clear headed, calm, patient, loving, and yes, j0yful. Its like a major awareness swept over me and has opened my senses towards the path I am meant to be on. Everything, every argument or lost friend or bullshit I have pulled in the past years was suddenly floating around me like the true cosmic talking heads they all are.
I woke up early every day on the first leg of my trip. This first weekend I woke at 5 am and decided to head out for a run. The town was empty, the sky was beginning to fill out in a light blue and the hills were glowing in the background just like a beautiful spring morning in Santa Fe. I started running down the cobblestone streets and I am listening to Bright Eyes's Cassadaga on my ipod.
I am running and Hot Knives is playing and I keep running and all of the sensations of my body start to change - I keep running so give me hot knives and I know that I am not alone i'm a cartoon you're a full moon and I feel lifted like my soul has run down these streets for thousands of years embracing the wind the breeze i am with God she thought and I knew I have been here before, have fallen in love here, have fallen here, have gotten right back up here gotten right back up and started running again she just vanished into a thick mist of change and I knew beyond a doubt from the bottom of my heart and from the truth of my existence that we can pinpoint I knew that God is true. That this is the is, was and always will be. I knew it in all of its power as I ran through the entire town and I was running with all the masks of existence stripped away. I knew that the infinite is true.
It was the most beautiful run of my life.
There was this lecture I went to in Jerusalem where the woman speaking asked us to picture in our heads, three bananas without grouping them together or counting them. Mostly everyone was able to do that. Then she asked us to picture 5 bananas without grouping or counting. About half the group was able to do that. Then she asked us to picture 10. No one could do this. I found myself completely unable to not count or to not see images placed by my mind into groups. Her point, if we cannot even comprehend 10 with our resources, how can we ever attempt to comprehend the infinite? Judaism is not a religion, it is a relationship between you and the infinite...
So, I guess this is where I should break and tell all the fun stories of how I went cliff-jumping up North (the best thing ever!!!!) or about making out in the midnight tide of the Mediterranean, or about rapelling down a water fall at Yehudia, or about clubbing in Tel Aviv, or of meeting the African Hebrew Vegan Tribe of Israel, or of going on the tunnel tours underneath the Western Wall, or all about the funny amazing friends I have made so far along my way...
But, I think I have typed enough for the day so those stories will have to wait for now...
I have had the most incredible, exciting, amazing, mind opening expanding, soul beautifying time in Israel. I am halfway done with my trip and I have already grown and accomplished much out here.
My first weekend I spent in Tsfat, which was really great because I was only there for about half a day last year. They say the energy in Tsfat is different, and you can feel that once you get there. You breathe differently, your dreams become visions...Tsfat is the home of the mystic Kabballah, and it is said that the Messiah will come from these stairs (I will upload photos when I return to the U.S.) and head to Jerusalem.
I had this experience in Tsfat, which I will try to give some preface to. When I was in high school, my best friends brother died. I grew up with him as though he was the brother I never had and always wanted. He was younger than us; he would have started high school the following year. I remember being so fucking confused at his funeral - The moment he was buried into the earth, a gust of wind blew a leaf right in front of me and I thought - There is no God.
The years went by, and instead of ever becoming religious, I became religiously atheist. I searched for books, lectures, science, anything I could get my hands onto to validate my choices. I became self-righteous in my rightness and knew to myself that those who believed were really just scared of their own mortality, or that they were merely pawns to governments and organizations. Religions validated oppression and were used to kill, murder, act as agents for greed and narcissism. I saw religion as an addiction - judge the man who needed it in order to suppress his alcoholism or drug addiction because he couldn't control it on his own. He was too weak...I never dated another Jew and I found myself attracting and being attracted to other atheists, some agnostics...We are always mirrored in the people we choose to surround ourselves with. I left home and ceased communication with any of my childhood friends. I didn't light the candles on Shabbat, I didn't want to get married, and I certainly never thought of raising Jewish children. When I was younger I had started to follow my curiosity to studying Eastern philosophies and religions which eventually led to beginning my yoga practice of years, which led to studying Ayurveda. Now, this was an interesting pass. Here I am, searching all over the place instead of ever looking inside and questioning inwards. There are some interesting theories for why so many Jews are attracted to Eastern religions, and most of them point to one idea - That these religions don't really face the question that Judaism poses - God? Israel means "to struggle with God," and the name of God in Hebrew translates to "is, was, and always will be." This is the same OM. The difference is some religions seek this Oneness through separation (chastity, meditation, seeking to elevate beyond this realm) while Judaism seeks to connect within - Sha-lom- bringing the spiritual into the physical, bringing the oneness within. Judaism is the only major religion without a monastic sect for example, because pleasure is a vital purpose in this life.
About two years ago my interest in Judaism started up again, albeit very slowly. I went to Israel with Birthright, I started to go to some events in Los Angeles, and this past year I even started to date Jews and threw a Shabbat dinner at my studio. I felt that something was lacking within me, I had some major blocks to realizing my full potential as a person. Your Hebrew name is supposed to be your essence, and my name is Simcha, Joy. Here I was living a life filled with confusion, anger, depression. Why was I blocking the true Joy of my nature, who I am? Coming back to Israel I felt at home, because it is my home. Suddenly everything started clicking and falling into place. Grounded, clear headed, calm, patient, loving, and yes, j0yful. Its like a major awareness swept over me and has opened my senses towards the path I am meant to be on. Everything, every argument or lost friend or bullshit I have pulled in the past years was suddenly floating around me like the true cosmic talking heads they all are.
I woke up early every day on the first leg of my trip. This first weekend I woke at 5 am and decided to head out for a run. The town was empty, the sky was beginning to fill out in a light blue and the hills were glowing in the background just like a beautiful spring morning in Santa Fe. I started running down the cobblestone streets and I am listening to Bright Eyes's Cassadaga on my ipod.
I am running and Hot Knives is playing and I keep running and all of the sensations of my body start to change - I keep running so give me hot knives and I know that I am not alone i'm a cartoon you're a full moon and I feel lifted like my soul has run down these streets for thousands of years embracing the wind the breeze i am with God she thought and I knew I have been here before, have fallen in love here, have fallen here, have gotten right back up here gotten right back up and started running again she just vanished into a thick mist of change and I knew beyond a doubt from the bottom of my heart and from the truth of my existence that we can pinpoint I knew that God is true. That this is the is, was and always will be. I knew it in all of its power as I ran through the entire town and I was running with all the masks of existence stripped away. I knew that the infinite is true.
It was the most beautiful run of my life.
There was this lecture I went to in Jerusalem where the woman speaking asked us to picture in our heads, three bananas without grouping them together or counting them. Mostly everyone was able to do that. Then she asked us to picture 5 bananas without grouping or counting. About half the group was able to do that. Then she asked us to picture 10. No one could do this. I found myself completely unable to not count or to not see images placed by my mind into groups. Her point, if we cannot even comprehend 10 with our resources, how can we ever attempt to comprehend the infinite? Judaism is not a religion, it is a relationship between you and the infinite...
So, I guess this is where I should break and tell all the fun stories of how I went cliff-jumping up North (the best thing ever!!!!) or about making out in the midnight tide of the Mediterranean, or about rapelling down a water fall at Yehudia, or about clubbing in Tel Aviv, or of meeting the African Hebrew Vegan Tribe of Israel, or of going on the tunnel tours underneath the Western Wall, or all about the funny amazing friends I have made so far along my way...
But, I think I have typed enough for the day so those stories will have to wait for now...
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
update
I have been having the most incredible time here in Israel! We have been going all over the place and the other day we went on this amazing water hike where I went cliff jumping. Anyways, I am in Jerusalem right now, and I will be extending my stay for some time...How long? I know not yet...
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