where i am at

I am at an internet cafe in Tel Aviv on Ben Yehuda street. I am one block away from the Mediterranean Sea, where I have spent a good amount of time swimming and burning my skin. I rest well knowing that in two days my backside will no longer be a painful red, but a gorgeous brown hue to compliment my white summer skirts.

I have had the most incredible, exciting, amazing, mind opening expanding, soul beautifying time in Israel. I am halfway done with my trip and I have already grown and accomplished much out here.

My first weekend I spent in Tsfat, which was really great because I was only there for about half a day last year. They say the energy in Tsfat is different, and you can feel that once you get there. You breathe differently, your dreams become visions...Tsfat is the home of the mystic Kabballah, and it is said that the Messiah will come from these stairs (I will upload photos when I return to the U.S.) and head to Jerusalem.

I had this experience in Tsfat, which I will try to give some preface to. When I was in high school, my best friends brother died. I grew up with him as though he was the brother I never had and always wanted. He was younger than us; he would have started high school the following year. I remember being so fucking confused at his funeral - The moment he was buried into the earth, a gust of wind blew a leaf right in front of me and I thought - There is no God.

The years went by, and instead of ever becoming religious, I became religiously atheist. I searched for books, lectures, science, anything I could get my hands onto to validate my choices. I became self-righteous in my rightness and knew to myself that those who believed were really just scared of their own mortality, or that they were merely pawns to governments and organizations. Religions validated oppression and were used to kill, murder, act as agents for greed and narcissism. I saw religion as an addiction - judge the man who needed it in order to suppress his alcoholism or drug addiction because he couldn't control it on his own. He was too weak...I never dated another Jew and I found myself attracting and being attracted to other atheists, some agnostics...We are always mirrored in the people we choose to surround ourselves with. I left home and ceased communication with any of my childhood friends. I didn't light the candles on Shabbat, I didn't want to get married, and I certainly never thought of raising Jewish children. When I was younger I had started to follow my curiosity to studying Eastern philosophies and religions which eventually led to beginning my yoga practice of years, which led to studying Ayurveda. Now, this was an interesting pass. Here I am, searching all over the place instead of ever looking inside and questioning inwards. There are some interesting theories for why so many Jews are attracted to Eastern religions, and most of them point to one idea - That these religions don't really face the question that Judaism poses - God? Israel means "to struggle with God," and the name of God in Hebrew translates to "is, was, and always will be." This is the same OM. The difference is some religions seek this Oneness through separation (chastity, meditation, seeking to elevate beyond this realm) while Judaism seeks to connect within - Sha-lom- bringing the spiritual into the physical, bringing the oneness within. Judaism is the only major religion without a monastic sect for example, because pleasure is a vital purpose in this life.

About two years ago my interest in Judaism started up again, albeit very slowly. I went to Israel with Birthright, I started to go to some events in Los Angeles, and this past year I even started to date Jews and threw a Shabbat dinner at my studio. I felt that something was lacking within me, I had some major blocks to realizing my full potential as a person. Your Hebrew name is supposed to be your essence, and my name is Simcha, Joy. Here I was living a life filled with confusion, anger, depression. Why was I blocking the true Joy of my nature, who I am? Coming back to Israel I felt at home, because it is my home. Suddenly everything started clicking and falling into place. Grounded, clear headed, calm, patient, loving, and yes, j0yful. Its like a major awareness swept over me and has opened my senses towards the path I am meant to be on. Everything, every argument or lost friend or bullshit I have pulled in the past years was suddenly floating around me like the true cosmic talking heads they all are.

I woke up early every day on the first leg of my trip. This first weekend I woke at 5 am and decided to head out for a run. The town was empty, the sky was beginning to fill out in a light blue and the hills were glowing in the background just like a beautiful spring morning in Santa Fe. I started running down the cobblestone streets and I am listening to Bright Eyes's Cassadaga on my ipod.

I am running and Hot Knives is playing and I keep running and all of the sensations of my body start to change - I keep running so give me hot knives and I know that I am not alone i'm a cartoon you're a full moon and I feel lifted like my soul has run down these streets for thousands of years embracing the wind the breeze i am with God she thought and I knew I have been here before, have fallen in love here, have fallen here, have gotten right back up here gotten right back up and started running again she just vanished into a thick mist of change and I knew beyond a doubt from the bottom of my heart and from the truth of my existence that we can pinpoint I knew that God is true. That this is the is, was and always will be. I knew it in all of its power as I ran through the entire town and I was running with all the masks of existence stripped away. I knew that the infinite is true.

It was the most beautiful run of my life.

There was this lecture I went to in Jerusalem where the woman speaking asked us to picture in our heads, three bananas without grouping them together or counting them. Mostly everyone was able to do that. Then she asked us to picture 5 bananas without grouping or counting. About half the group was able to do that. Then she asked us to picture 10. No one could do this. I found myself completely unable to not count or to not see images placed by my mind into groups. Her point, if we cannot even comprehend 10 with our resources, how can we ever attempt to comprehend the infinite? Judaism is not a religion, it is a relationship between you and the infinite...

So, I guess this is where I should break and tell all the fun stories of how I went cliff-jumping up North (the best thing ever!!!!) or about making out in the midnight tide of the Mediterranean, or about rapelling down a water fall at Yehudia, or about clubbing in Tel Aviv, or of meeting the African Hebrew Vegan Tribe of Israel, or of going on the tunnel tours underneath the Western Wall, or all about the funny amazing friends I have made so far along my way...

But, I think I have typed enough for the day so those stories will have to wait for now...