fearless

Fears - such as fear of snakes, heights, and closed spaces - are not biologically specific to gender, but some do tend to be more prevalent among women that men, including anuptaphobia; fear of staying single; arrhenphobia; fear of men; atelophobia; fear of imperfection; atychiphobia; fear of failure; cacophobia; fear of ugliness; eremophobia; fear of lonliness; gerascophobia; fear of growing old; glossophobia; fear of public speaking; katagelophobia; fear of ridicule; monophobia; fear of being alone; rhytiphobia; fear of getting wrinkles.

- On Becoming Fearless - Arianna Huffington

I haven't posted in a bit, and I haven't posted anything too personal in quite some time... Some emails I have received, some conversations, and some other shit that has occurred in my personal life had left me with such a desire to self-censure at this point, that I was thinking "why bother?" Might as well start a new blog and make it completely anonymous.

But there is some part of me that just wants to scream out " Fuck that shit." What am I living in fear of? Sharing? Why do that when there are clearly so many other really fabulous choices for women to be living with a fear of. I myself have never experienced rhytiphobia, but doesn't it just sound fascinating? I wonder if any of the men I know have that...

I am not scared of snakes, in fact I wore one once for Halloween. I was Medusa. It was pretty hot. I did scare most of the women I came into contact with that evening however.

I overcame any fear of heights I had this summer, when I went cliff-jumping and zip-lining and learned to just. let. go.

I am not specifically scared of closed spaces. When I was a kid I used to put on my tap shoes and go hide in my closet and dance in the small dark space on top of a wooden box I had in there. But then again, I wouldn't wish to find myself trapped in a coffin or in an elevator for example.

I do have a number of fears that I am trying to confront and dance with. I don't want to be fighting myself, creating doubts and whatnot in my attempts to sabotage my own happiness and self-realization.

I find it very easy to love many people, to see them for who they are and to not just look at that which could easily be described as ones "imperfections." Yet, I struggle to apply this to myself. I struggle to be easy on myself. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the negative world of - I am not enoughs...- When the simple truth of the matter, is that I am. That we all are. When we talk poorly about ourselves, about others, what does that do other than frame our reality of our existence? I don't want to live in fear. I want to live from happiness and joy.

Sometimes I get so sad and lonely and I feel like I have no one to talk to about this with. I feel like I am supposed to always be "strong"...

Isn't it just as important to share these things though? Surely I am not alone on this, and isn't sharing the one thing that connects us. That connects us all?

I don't want to live in fear. I want to ask for the job I deserve to get. I want to get the proper compensation for the work I do. I want to be loved and to love in return in a degree which is fitting for each of my relationships. I want to not be scared to tell someone how I feel. I want to have a family of my own, and not be terrified that it won't happen for me because somehow I don't deserve that. I don't want my fears to come in the way of me realizing my full potential. I don't want to see my fears turn into anger, or judgement, or negativity.

I want to live fearlessly.