jesus died for somebodys sins....but not mine

i tell my mother i've had a hard week
and she lets me know
that if i think ive had a hard week
maybe i should give my uncle steven a call
and i laugh
because man
i may have had a hard week
but that guys had a hard couple of decades
so hard
that its almost too easy
to get why he got into the caffeine
to get why he got into that whole religion thing...

there's this woman i met on pico/robertson
who told me yes it was a wig she was wearing
her children had never once seen her hair
and i would have been left contemplating that one all night long
had she not followed that up
with this world, this physical world given to use for the pure
purpose of experiencing pleasure
would be ending in approximately 3hundred 60 some odd years
and that all problems, as we know them
would be over
but until then
if every mother and father
told their children every night
that god loved them
that god loved them more than anything
no one would have bad self-esteem

and i wonder if my mother and father
had sat me down every night
to tell me just how much god loved me
if, well, maybe then i wouldn't be so cold when i felt vulnerable
or bitchy, when, maybe when, i am doubting myself
maybe i would say "god loves me
and i am a reflection of all that i am supposed to be"
and all would be good.

so i start to wonder if i should pray
like the way, chana, told me i should pray. for a husband
but its difficult enough to find anyone i would even date
so why would i jump to husband hunting at this juncture?

and she says i should pray for self-realization
and i wonder if there isn't another path
and i hope, fuck, i'll pray that there's another way of getting there
because quit frankly
if there is a god
i dont see why he would be so concerned about women covering their heads from their own children,children who, after all, came into this world through an obsence display of hair, blood, shit, sweat. who then suckled on their mothers breast.

i mean, did she wear her wig while giving birth?

these are the questions running through my mind
and i feel
and i know
that perhaps they might be innapropriate to ask her
and i respect her modesty
but from a safe distance
its a world i dont know
afterall, i am a vegas girl.

and nothing
not my week
or this decade
or that life
or the god
could be so simple
as to just be
god loves you
and thats it.
move on.
next question plz

i have to assume
that it takes more
than statement
than rote
than routine / tradition

and i wanted to be angry
like, "god loves us all
but you voted for prop 8. fuck you."

god love us all
but you judge me
as i, in return, judge you?

and i dont want to do that anymore

i dont want to be judged by anyone
and if god wants to do that
well, i guess there ain't a damn thing
pun intended
i could do about it

my yogi tells me
that life isn't supposed to be easy
and i think "no shit man..."

it wasn't easy for me to look into the eyes of my friend
as he told me his father just shot himself

that wasn't easy

and my nervous energy
of what i knew was coming
made that look so difficult
for me

bc the first funeral i ever went to
i started to laugh
and was too young too scared too unable to explain myself
that hey
life is complicated
and i laugh when i get nervous

and im real glad this religion thing is working out for you
but im afraid
but im confident
but i am assured

with my own wavering self esteem

that i can find another way....