in the silence

Sometimes in life you have to be forced with an absence in order to discover the reason it was created.

Some time ago a friend left my life and I couldn't figure out why. I thought about it, questioned it, felt hurt, angry, sad, and then I just ignored it. I didn't process it, because, well I guess I assumed that you can't process that without the other person. Which, you know, isn't true, but that's where I was.

I ignored this, "moved on" and continued on my path with life's little distractions like boyfriends, projects, and travel. This person as of late has re-stirred in my mind, and suddenly all this past shit came flying around. "Why?" I would ask myself. "What in the hell did I do wrong?"

Absence, space, silence delivers clarity.

Like most people, I have had my share of bad times and dark places in my life. I have had bouts of drinking leading to depression and blacking out. When I injured my back I was on these crazy steroid pain pills that aggravated and flooded my body with toxins which of course came out of my mouth. I have had anger (fear) leading into me saying things to people that just aren't honest to me. It's like when I was in those dark places I was unable to love or to just say I love you, or you mean a lot to me. And I guess I was saying shit that is mean and untrue to me. I can't tell you what these things are because I have no memory of ever even saying them. Perhaps one might be "you are a fucking piece of shit." And that is not true either. But it goes deeper than words because it was just exposing my state of being.

This leads me to thinking again "Why?" Why in the fuck was I acting out like this? To people I supposedly care about. So I think about all these instances, people and moments, and I go I little further and I start to realize what dark path I have been on for such a long time. Stages of depression, abuse of many kinds, disorders...Its all stemming from something but what is it?

I think of all the different people I have treated in certain ways at certain stages in my life, and it was like this floodgate of shit opening up. Depression and abuse in high-school, cheating repeatedly on my boyfriend of 4 years, why was I pushing everyone away, living in this world of fear?

Where did this fear come from?

I realize that just writing an angry poem when I was 20 doesn't mean that I have processed what happened to me when I was 16. When this started. When I was attacked, when I was silenced, when I was violated.

I have never processed the truth that my soul was broken.

So I have done drugs, binge drinking, careless sex. I have hurt, been angry and bitter, and pushed away. I have attacked outwards to the closest people to me, just to force them to no longer be close. I created a prison for myself.

I think about the "power" I have exploited in past relationships and the coldness I have embodied. As if I was really this fierce empowered woman. It was all this facade covering that which I could not, would not really confront. And deal with. And accept. And transform.

I have been living years in the state of fear not even fucking knowing I was there.

And I discover this, because someone close to my heart shut the door without a single word of goodbye.

And that had to happen. I understand.

This journey I am on has had many obstacles on its path that I have been working hard to clear out. Through yoga, meditation, and paying a brilliant women whose background is with women who have been victims of sexual violence to listen to me talk every week and help point out tools I have to realize my full potential, I feel like I am now in this new state of, joy I guess.

The path with heart can take a while for many of us to discover.

I may have lost a friend, but at least I can finally see it.