because it is true...

I have always turned to the pen my entire life. I write to articulate my thoughts. I write so that I may question, may think. And I write as an agent. I write to turn experience into something we can share. I write because I have to.

For my readers who are dear friends, who know me a well and long time, I am sure most of you remember the infamous - Thirty Years After the Sexual Revolution... and You Wonder Why I Left You - performance of mine in college. I have always written and performed about my experiences, maybe hoping that I can grow from them, find some tangible truth, and to bring joy and laughter out into the world. This has not changed, however evolved, currently, from at times a stage, to at oh these wild modern times, a blog. From - He still has my underwear, to, well, now I think he still has my vibrator...The stories, the people, they change. But not really. Its all one story - a human story. And it's mine. And it's mine to do as I please with. I try to be respectful of others and play nicely. But above all, its about me figuring things out. Questioning, thinking, to transfer something to that which is greater. I want joy. I live for shared experience.

I can't remember it verbatim, but Tony Kushner once said that the beauty of the human race is our capacity for change, for with that, we have the capacity for hope. In fact, I think it is this key note, that is the spine of all of his plays and work. This belief infuses his life so greatly, it is always connected to his pen his computer somehow.

Because it is true.

But most people, they are terrified of change. They are terrified of leaps of faith, of raising the stakes, and of themselves.

Say what you will about me, but I live with intention.

Mindfulness.

I had some posts up on Sunday and Monday that I took down last night. I am not sure why. Because TB mentioned them? He said he didn't care. They aren't about "him" though. They are my honest thoughts and feelings on trying to figure out what in the fuck is going on. They will probably go back up sometime.

I am thankful for all my friends who came over last night. You remind me of how blessed my life is. You always bring me joy and true nourishment. Thank you....

At this point, although entirely unsure as to how this fits into the Kübler-Ross model, I do just feel kind of disappointed.
For the past three and a half weeks I have been taking mood affecting, adrenal gland swinging, yoyo emotion making birth control pills. You know, I have never taken these in my entire life up until the fertile young age of, now. TB and I talked about it for a long time and then I decided it would be the right choice. When I made that decision however, I did have in mind that we would be together long past the 3 months of side effects...I try not to live with regrets, so I can't say I wish I could have taken that back. I just wish maybe TB would have waited, and been there with me. Knowing that I was different, was all over the place, because, well, it was for us right? Shit. Well, one thing, among the many I have learned, is that I sure as hell am not going to ever take the pill again. For the rest of my wonderful life.

But it's not about the birth control. That's so not it. It's about him.

At the end the the day, there is nothing to do when someone says they don't love you. There is no action for that.
There are no words to describe the pain of the man you love telling you he is relieved that you have broken up. And there is no patch for hearing him say that suddenly, you just aren't the girl he sees his future with. In my humble opinion tho, his glasses were always dirty.

I can leave from this learning a few things.

I was so dead set on being single when we met. I didn't want to commit to anyone. I had been resistant to that for so long. But commit I did. I committed with all of my intention and integrity. I loved.

My capacity for love is massive.

I am not afraid.

Shit happens in life. Things come up, problems arise...You need a partner who really has your back. In words, in actions...

in commitment.