Doreen Seidler-Feller is a sex therapist. She is also a practicing jew, and has many clients who are orthodox. Years ago, an orthodox woman came to her. She had been married for a year, and she and her husband had not yet been able to consummate their marriage. Doreen began working with her, beginning by giving her a dildo to bring home. She was instructed to experiment with herself using the dildo. She came back, and her next instruction was to have her husband watch her doing that. She came back the next week, and told Doreen, "He cannot watch me doing that... Our children will be blind and damned.." Or something to that effect - I cannot remember exactly.
This is what led Doreen and her husband, Rabbi Chaim, to study The Kitzur Shulhan Arukh, and all of the other philosophic writings, scriptures, the talmud,etc... to find the source of where this repression is based. It's really interesting, that all of these repressive laws, or philosophies, don't actually have any basis in the talmud. The talmud itself is liberating in comparison. These were radical ideas, extreme ideas, from thinkers who grappled probably with their own neurosis with the concept of holiness in contradiction to desire/lust/etc...and these extreme views through time, became the template for, well, largely the orthodox sect of judaism.
Look at Maimonides, who was a physician as well as a philosophist. Even when approaching sexual relations with a more realistic view (compared to the writers who said, look at your wife's genitals and your children will be blind..etc), he remains completely contradictory.
A man's wife is permitted to him. Therefore a man may do whatever he desires with his wife. He may engage in relations whenever he desires, kiss any organ he desires, engage in vaginal or anal intercourse or engage in physical intimacy without relations, provided he does not release seed in vain.
He then follows that with...
Nevertheless, it is pious conduct for a person not to act frivolously concerning such matters and to sanctify himself at the time of relations, as explained in Hilchot Deot. He should not depart from the ordinary pattern of the world. For this act was given to us solely for the sake of procreation.
He states that sexual relations are for the sole purpose of procreation, while simultaneously stating that anal or oral sex is kosher. Clearly, the purpose of those forms of sex are purely for pleasure, and have no connection whatsoever with procreation.
Therein lies the jewish neurosis.
He frames sex as sort of this, well you should strive to be like ben azzai (a eunuch for the lord) but, if you must, because you can't (flawed), then marry, fulfill your marital obligations regularly, but do so with a mind focused on your study and the torah, and not on anything remotely arousing. He states that it is permissible to not be married and to devote your life to the study of the torah. This is actually, illegal, according to jewish law, for the law states that it is your duty to marry and have children.
The jewish religion is the only one (major) that does not have a monastic sect.
In the kitzur...it is stated that "When engaging in marital relations, your intention should not be to satisfy your personal pleasure but as one fulfilling his obligation to satisfy her conjugal rights and also to fulfill the command of your creator, and to have children who engage in torah study, and to fulfill the mitzvos of the jewish people."
Basically, have sex, don't enjoy it, because your wife needs it (of the earth, animal) but you (man) keep your thoughts on torah (elevated/holy.)
Oy, no wonder that couple couldn't get it going on...
These rulings go on and on -about how when having intercourse you should have it in the dark, never with lights on, never under moonlight, always veiled and concealed. That you should refrain from speaking, from dirty talk, from anything which will arouse. On an on...as though the male desire is this incredible force that needs to be constantly put in check, so overpowering and unstoppable it is otherwise.
The chicken or the egg. Does male sexuality inform the laws, or do the laws inform the sexuality?
An ex-boyfriend of mine, who was basically an athiest, was raised in a catholic family. When we first started having sex, he was really having issues with premature ejaculation. Over time this went away (i think it was a confidence issue maybe...) but initially when I tried talking to him about it, he stated that it was because when he was younger he would masturbate as fast as he could to get the job done, because god was watching him. First off, it was difficult for me to buy that, but you know, I guess I get that. At the time, I was like, what, playing the blame game with your god in regards to our sex life? Even athiests have been fucked up by religion enough to somehow have these longterm effects on ones sexual evolution...
And for a little closing note...
"It is forbidden to discharge semen in vain. This is a graver sin than any other in the Torah."
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